Tag Archives: trust

Still here…

I’m still here. Taking it one day at a time. Trying to deal with this life I did not ask for. Its been a hell of a year. One that needs to end asap. Actually its been a three year roller coaster.

The move to Hawaii was supposed to be our start over. Work on being a better couple and family. We added two babies to our family. Both pregnancies being difficult.

I always believed in the fairytale of a happy marriage and living happily ever after. I knew he would be my husband the moment I saw him. All those years ago, I still remember the feeling. I guess that is what I am hanging on to.

Over the years, he changed so much. After his deployments to Iraq (twice) and Afghanistan, he became even more broken. He recently told me about an incident involving a relative when he was younger. I was so sad and angry to find out what happened. No child should be hurt by monsters. He has carried this secret all those years. He only told me because I was trying to leave him. Knowing this makes it even harder to leave.

I know I changed over the years, I’m broken, I was molested and raped but I didn’t use that as an excuse to act out sexually. Instead, I don’t trust anybody. I am a private person. I don’t have many friends.

I am extremely protective of my children. I talk to them about the dangers they face in today’s tech world. I am so scared for them to grow up. We talk a lot, hopefully it sinks in. The issues with their dad have been somewhat hidden until these last couple of months. They know whats going on and I know its confusing for them.

I just want my family together and happy. Time is ticking and my husband doesn’t realize he is running out of time.

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So confused, but calm for now…

We are not fighting, but I haven’t and will not forgive him. He says he will not do it again (heard that before) and I can check the phone bill, phone locator, bank accounts, etc. Well I checked and so far he has been good. He even leaves his wallet home in the mornings and only takes his ID to pt.

Even though he is doing this, I told him I do not trust him. I don’t know if I ever will. If he doesn’t want to get help for himself and for us together then I can’t forgive. He says all he has ever did was text (sext) people. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow for my pregnancy and will be requesting Std tests be done. I am afraid and confused, but I know it is something I have to do.

As of right now, I am calm and trying to think things through. I also cannot just up and move since I am a high risk pregnancy and going “home” to family is not an option. So as usual, I just have to suck it up and put on my smile in public and be strong for the kids.