Tag Archives: suicide

I am broken…

I am broken…

I let my husband treat me like shit.

I stay in our crappy marriage hoping he wakes up and we can live happily ever after. 

I beg and plead him to stay faithful. I don’t understand why he had to cheat so many times or pay for sex, or make profiles on dating sites.

I survived the physical abuse mostly during times when he was drunk (choking, punching, pushing).

I have survived emotional abuse (criticism, threatening, name-calling, denying, withholding, minimizing)

I try to own my part in this mess. I know I am responsible for 50% of the relationship, but he should be 100% responsible for his actions. Instead, he makes excuses, blames me, or denies anything.

He has issues that stem from childhood. His mother gave him to his grandma who kept a dirty house and didn’t feed him. His father was abusive to his mother until she left him. His father also threw him and his brother (only toddlers at the time) onto a couple who were having sex at a party in the fathers house. He had to grow up and learn to care for himself. He did (maybe still does) drugs. He seen the gruesomeness of combat. He doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him.

I have issues too. I was molested by a relative who is now dead, but the only person who knows is my husband. I was raped (this my husband does not know about, I can’t tell him without fear he would turn it into that it was my fault). My husband is the only person I have been with sexually.

My dad whipped me with a belt, kicked me for being late, yelled at me, all for minor things. I hate him. I was a good kid, always had good grades. I even had an academic scholarship to go to college.

I made mistakes, but nothing like my sisters who drank in high school. My mom denies it was ever bad. I remember different.

I suffer from anxiety, I am always tense. It is hard to put on a smile and pretend everything is okay, so the kids can be kids. My kids are my world.

Life is hard when my selfish husband only thinks of himself. I just don’t understand how he can go to work and be this awesome guy I hear about and home life is not even close to that.

I am fed up, yet sad that he will not help our family. I have tries numerous times through counseling, reaching out to top therapists (who its all about being paid), using Army counselors, trying to talk to my husband chain of command, the unit chaplain, and nothing is working.

I have thought of suicide numerous times. I am at the end of my rope.

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