He is working a 24 hour shift today. Last minute scheduling at work, or so he says. I hate these kinds of days. He texts people all day long and has access to the staff duty vehicle all night. He said he isn’t doing anything but working, and I can go there anytime to check on him.
I looked at the phone records again tonight, one of the hookers text him twice in the last few days and he didn’t tell me. He didn’t text back, but how do I know he didn’t use another phone or email her from work? He doesn’t get it. He expects me to just trust him. He should have told me about the texts.
I don’t even know when he began messing around. Perhaps maybe that is why I can’t forgive him. He will not be honest with me when I ask for details. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by telling me the details. I just want to know why he was unfaithful in the first place. Why couldn’t he come to me and tell me he was unhappy or whatever excuse he had? I ask him and he doesn’t give me anything.
My emotions are everywhere. I get angry then I am lonely and sad. I miss those moments when we were in bed. His arms around me. I don’t know if I will ever get that. Now I tense up anytime he gets too close. I imagine him with the filth. I seen their faces on craigslist, backpages, escorts ads after googling their phone numbers. I don’t know if I will ever heal from this nightmare. Were those nights of cuddling real? Were any of our happy moments real? Or were they a cover for him cheating? I will never know.
I want to heal and feel less pain and heartache, but how can I do that when I am so angry with him and the whole world? It is going to be a crappy night. I will just focus on being with my kids and try to get some much needed sleep.