After watching the military segment on GMA today, I recalled my husband’s first homecoming. The anticipation of him returning, the emails and calls of how he missed the kids and I. The moment we seen him march into the gym with the other soldiers. The pride I felt for my hero, my heart was complete again. He pulled me in close, held me tightly, and told me he loved me. Little did I know, the secrets he was hiding.
Didn’t go the way I envisioned…I called his leadership. No answer. I text and all they said was I’ll talk to him. I told my husband to leave the house at 3am Monday morning. He came home yesterday after 1pm. I asked him what happened at work. nothing happened. Nobody said a word too him. I don’t know what to do now. Today I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn’t get it.
I told him to leave. Found more crap. He will not change. I need to take care of me and my kids. Will life be hard? Yes, but I can do it. Hopefully. Please wish me luck, i have no support. In a few hours I am going to his command and telling them I am done and I want to leave ASAP. This environment is too toxic.
He is working a 24 hour shift today. Last minute scheduling at work, or so he says. I hate these kinds of days. He texts people all day long and has access to the staff duty vehicle all night. He said he isn’t doing anything but working, and I can go there anytime to check on him.
I looked at the phone records again tonight, one of the hookers text him twice in the last few days and he didn’t tell me. He didn’t text back, but how do I know he didn’t use another phone or email her from work? He doesn’t get it. He expects me to just trust him. He should have told me about the texts.
I don’t even know when he began messing around. Perhaps maybe that is why I can’t forgive him. He will not be honest with me when I ask for details. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by telling me the details. I just want to know why he was unfaithful in the first place. Why couldn’t he come to me and tell me he was unhappy or whatever excuse he had? I ask him and he doesn’t give me anything.
My emotions are everywhere. I get angry then I am lonely and sad. I miss those moments when we were in bed. His arms around me. I don’t know if I will ever get that. Now I tense up anytime he gets too close. I imagine him with the filth. I seen their faces on craigslist, backpages, escorts ads after googling their phone numbers. I don’t know if I will ever heal from this nightmare. Were those nights of cuddling real? Were any of our happy moments real? Or were they a cover for him cheating? I will never know.
I want to heal and feel less pain and heartache, but how can I do that when I am so angry with him and the whole world? It is going to be a crappy night. I will just focus on being with my kids and try to get some much needed sleep.