Tag Archives: Hurt

Still here…

I’m still here. Taking it one day at a time. Trying to deal with this life I did not ask for. Its been a hell of a year. One that needs to end asap. Actually its been a three year roller coaster.

The move to Hawaii was supposed to be our start over. Work on being a better couple and family. We added two babies to our family. Both pregnancies being difficult.

I always believed in the fairytale of a happy marriage and living happily ever after. I knew he would be my husband the moment I saw him. All those years ago, I still remember the feeling. I guess that is what I am hanging on to.

Over the years, he changed so much. After his deployments to Iraq (twice) and Afghanistan, he became even more broken. He recently told me about an incident involving a relative when he was younger. I was so sad and angry to find out what happened. No child should be hurt by monsters. He has carried this secret all those years. He only told me because I was trying to leave him. Knowing this makes it even harder to leave.

I know I changed over the years, I’m broken, I was molested and raped but I didn’t use that as an excuse to act out sexually. Instead, I don’t trust anybody. I am a private person. I don’t have many friends.

I am extremely protective of my children. I talk to them about the dangers they face in today’s tech world. I am so scared for them to grow up. We talk a lot, hopefully it sinks in. The issues with their dad have been somewhat hidden until these last couple of months. They know whats going on and I know its confusing for them.

I just want my family together and happy. Time is ticking and my husband doesn’t realize he is running out of time.

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Decision time…

I told him to leave. Found more crap. He will not change. I need to take care of me and my kids. Will life be hard? Yes, but I can do it. Hopefully. Please wish me luck, i have no support. In a few hours I am going to his command and telling them I am done and I want to leave ASAP. This environment is too toxic. 

I am broken…

I am broken…

I let my husband treat me like shit.

I stay in our crappy marriage hoping he wakes up and we can live happily ever after. 

I beg and plead him to stay faithful. I don’t understand why he had to cheat so many times or pay for sex, or make profiles on dating sites.

I survived the physical abuse mostly during times when he was drunk (choking, punching, pushing).

I have survived emotional abuse (criticism, threatening, name-calling, denying, withholding, minimizing)

I try to own my part in this mess. I know I am responsible for 50% of the relationship, but he should be 100% responsible for his actions. Instead, he makes excuses, blames me, or denies anything.

He has issues that stem from childhood. His mother gave him to his grandma who kept a dirty house and didn’t feed him. His father was abusive to his mother until she left him. His father also threw him and his brother (only toddlers at the time) onto a couple who were having sex at a party in the fathers house. He had to grow up and learn to care for himself. He did (maybe still does) drugs. He seen the gruesomeness of combat. He doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him.

I have issues too. I was molested by a relative who is now dead, but the only person who knows is my husband. I was raped (this my husband does not know about, I can’t tell him without fear he would turn it into that it was my fault). My husband is the only person I have been with sexually.

My dad whipped me with a belt, kicked me for being late, yelled at me, all for minor things. I hate him. I was a good kid, always had good grades. I even had an academic scholarship to go to college.

I made mistakes, but nothing like my sisters who drank in high school. My mom denies it was ever bad. I remember different.

I suffer from anxiety, I am always tense. It is hard to put on a smile and pretend everything is okay, so the kids can be kids. My kids are my world.

Life is hard when my selfish husband only thinks of himself. I just don’t understand how he can go to work and be this awesome guy I hear about and home life is not even close to that.

I am fed up, yet sad that he will not help our family. I have tries numerous times through counseling, reaching out to top therapists (who its all about being paid), using Army counselors, trying to talk to my husband chain of command, the unit chaplain, and nothing is working.

I have thought of suicide numerous times. I am at the end of my rope.

When is enough, enough?

Husband has been in a pissy mood the past few weeks. Getting mad at everybody for any little thing. The kids and I are stressed out. Im tired.

I had the baby three weeks ago. Inconvenient for him because he was working long days and I started having contractions when he was already in bed for the night. Long story short, I end up having the baby alone. He fell asleep in the car (so he says) when he left the delivery room to get the charger for his iPhone. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because I did end up alone.

I labored alone and had the baby alone in a room full of nurses and doctors. When he did finally show up, I couldn’t look at him, I was disgusted. Few days later I told him how I felt about him not being there for me and his answer was “…thats what the medics are for.” This just confirms my feelings about him. He is losing his family and he doesn’t care.

I hate the situation the kids and I are in. I hate my husband for being selfish. I really need to focus and figure out if fighting for my family is worth it. I am beginning to think the kids and I can have a better life without him.

Our family has been through enough. I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. Why doesn’t my husband want the same things? How can he throw us away like garbage?

Feeling sad today…

Today I am sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t wake up, and realize the problems he created. I know I am far from the perfect wife, but I remained faithful and honored my vows and commitment to him.

I know I said for better, for worse, but the worst is killing me inside. I gave this man everything. I never thought he would take my heart and shred it to pieces. 

My soul is damaged. I’m torn over what to do. I feel so alone. The aching pain is a constant reminder of what he has done. I am losing my faith. I want this nightmare to end. 

More lies…

He has another credit card which is supposed to be used for work. Guess what he does? Gets cash out to pay for sex and blow jobs! Really like his phone, bank, credit card statements lie!

He still denies it all! “i have never met anybody, i just texted!” LIAR…

I HATE HIM. Why am I so fucking stupid? Pathetic! And i continued to have kids with him! I sit here crying. It hurts so bad. He was supposed to be my friend, my husband. What the hell?

And its his birthday today.

Why?

I have been an Army wife for 10+ years. We have been together much longer. Four kids and one on the way, what was/am I thinking? I know what he is doing and yet I stay. Why?

My heart has been broken for a very long time. I am exhausted. The excuses. He says he will stop. He does, only for a while. Why?

This is not marriage. This is not the life I wanted with my husband and kids. And yet, as I sit here, I am staying? Why?!

What is wrong with me? I know what he is!

Why is he cheating? Why is he lying about cheating? This was my friend. He is supposed to be my friend! I have known him since the 8th grade, I don’t understand how he can hurt me.