Tag Archives: heartache

Happy, but also a sad memory…

After watching the military segment on GMA today, I recalled my husband’s first homecoming. The anticipation of him returning, the emails and calls of how he missed the kids and I. The moment we seen him march into the gym with the other soldiers. The pride I felt for my hero, my heart was complete again. He pulled me in close,  held me tightly, and told me he loved me. Little did I know, the secrets he was hiding.

I don’t fight fair?!

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I can’t just up and leave. I’m on an island and the kids have their schools, they are doing well. I wanted him out of the house. I thought his leadership would keep him away, I told them I didn’t want him home until he received help. So that plan backfired. I’m pissed. I let him have it again. I screamed until I couldn’t anymore. I just want to understand why he does the things he does. Just give me answers. 

I had to get out of the house last night. I could not stand the sight of him. I told him so. He called and text. I didn’t answer back. He has said the same things before. Maybe another car ride tonight.

Can’t sleep…

I’m the only one awake tonight wondering why I am still here. I look over at him and I get disgusted and then very sad. Who is this stranger in my bed? Where did my husband go?

Will my heart ever heal? I can’t forget what he has done. I can’t forgive him. I can’t forgive myself for being so weak.

Please God, what is your plan? I’m having the hardest time on this path.

My ring and a few other thoughts…

Today I put my ring back on. Only because the ring I put in its place went missing. My ring doesn’t have to same meaning as it did the day we got married. Now it means broken vows, betrayal, and heartache. I am sad about this.

He expects me to forget everything and he goes about like nothing ever happened. He wants to stay married, but not do any type of counseling.

Since we are a military family, we will be moving this year. I don’t know yet what I am going to do. Everything is confusing and emotional.

Next month is our 11th anniversary. Last year we were supposed to renew our vows, but didn’t. I don’t know how to feel about this year.

*edit…I am not going to bring up our anniversary And I couldn’t keep my ring on. I found the replacememt ring. He doesn’t even say anything about that. He still wears his ring. I just wonder if he wore it while cheating. Then again, what does it matter?

 

Feeling sad today…

Today I am sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t wake up, and realize the problems he created. I know I am far from the perfect wife, but I remained faithful and honored my vows and commitment to him.

I know I said for better, for worse, but the worst is killing me inside. I gave this man everything. I never thought he would take my heart and shred it to pieces. 

My soul is damaged. I’m torn over what to do. I feel so alone. The aching pain is a constant reminder of what he has done. I am losing my faith. I want this nightmare to end.