After watching the military segment on GMA today, I recalled my husband’s first homecoming. The anticipation of him returning, the emails and calls of how he missed the kids and I. The moment we seen him march into the gym with the other soldiers. The pride I felt for my hero, my heart was complete again. He pulled me in close, held me tightly, and told me he loved me. Little did I know, the secrets he was hiding.
I’m still here. Taking it one day at a time. Trying to deal with this life I did not ask for. Its been a hell of a year. One that needs to end asap. Actually its been a three year roller coaster.
The move to Hawaii was supposed to be our start over. Work on being a better couple and family. We added two babies to our family. Both pregnancies being difficult.
I always believed in the fairytale of a happy marriage and living happily ever after. I knew he would be my husband the moment I saw him. All those years ago, I still remember the feeling. I guess that is what I am hanging on to.
Over the years, he changed so much. After his deployments to Iraq (twice) and Afghanistan, he became even more broken. He recently told me about an incident involving a relative when he was younger. I was so sad and angry to find out what happened. No child should be hurt by monsters. He has carried this secret all those years. He only told me because I was trying to leave him. Knowing this makes it even harder to leave.
I know I changed over the years, I’m broken, I was molested and raped but I didn’t use that as an excuse to act out sexually. Instead, I don’t trust anybody. I am a private person. I don’t have many friends.
I am extremely protective of my children. I talk to them about the dangers they face in today’s tech world. I am so scared for them to grow up. We talk a lot, hopefully it sinks in. The issues with their dad have been somewhat hidden until these last couple of months. They know whats going on and I know its confusing for them.
I just want my family together and happy. Time is ticking and my husband doesn’t realize he is running out of time.
We did nothing. Said nothing. It was just another day. I am a little sad about it. Eleven years is a long time, but I expected it to go this way after everything.
I’m the only one awake tonight wondering why I am still here. I look over at him and I get disgusted and then very sad. Who is this stranger in my bed? Where did my husband go?
Will my heart ever heal? I can’t forget what he has done. I can’t forgive him. I can’t forgive myself for being so weak.
Please God, what is your plan? I’m having the hardest time on this path.
Husband has been in a pissy mood the past few weeks. Getting mad at everybody for any little thing. The kids and I are stressed out. Im tired.
I had the baby three weeks ago. Inconvenient for him because he was working long days and I started having contractions when he was already in bed for the night. Long story short, I end up having the baby alone. He fell asleep in the car (so he says) when he left the delivery room to get the charger for his iPhone. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because I did end up alone.
I labored alone and had the baby alone in a room full of nurses and doctors. When he did finally show up, I couldn’t look at him, I was disgusted. Few days later I told him how I felt about him not being there for me and his answer was “…thats what the medics are for.” This just confirms my feelings about him. He is losing his family and he doesn’t care.
I hate the situation the kids and I are in. I hate my husband for being selfish. I really need to focus and figure out if fighting for my family is worth it. I am beginning to think the kids and I can have a better life without him.
Our family has been through enough. I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. Why doesn’t my husband want the same things? How can he throw us away like garbage?
Today I am sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t wake up, and realize the problems he created. I know I am far from the perfect wife, but I remained faithful and honored my vows and commitment to him.
I know I said for better, for worse, but the worst is killing me inside. I gave this man everything. I never thought he would take my heart and shred it to pieces.
My soul is damaged. I’m torn over what to do. I feel so alone. The aching pain is a constant reminder of what he has done. I am losing my faith. I want this nightmare to end.