Tag Archives: betrayal

Still here…

I’m still here. Taking it one day at a time. Trying to deal with this life I did not ask for. Its been a hell of a year. One that needs to end asap. Actually its been a three year roller coaster.

The move to Hawaii was supposed to be our start over. Work on being a better couple and family. We added two babies to our family. Both pregnancies being difficult.

I always believed in the fairytale of a happy marriage and living happily ever after. I knew he would be my husband the moment I saw him. All those years ago, I still remember the feeling. I guess that is what I am hanging on to.

Over the years, he changed so much. After his deployments to Iraq (twice) and Afghanistan, he became even more broken. He recently told me about an incident involving a relative when he was younger. I was so sad and angry to find out what happened. No child should be hurt by monsters. He has carried this secret all those years. He only told me because I was trying to leave him. Knowing this makes it even harder to leave.

I know I changed over the years, I’m broken, I was molested and raped but I didn’t use that as an excuse to act out sexually. Instead, I don’t trust anybody. I am a private person. I don’t have many friends.

I am extremely protective of my children. I talk to them about the dangers they face in today’s tech world. I am so scared for them to grow up. We talk a lot, hopefully it sinks in. The issues with their dad have been somewhat hidden until these last couple of months. They know whats going on and I know its confusing for them.

I just want my family together and happy. Time is ticking and my husband doesn’t realize he is running out of time.

I don’t fight fair?!

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I can’t just up and leave. I’m on an island and the kids have their schools, they are doing well. I wanted him out of the house. I thought his leadership would keep him away, I told them I didn’t want him home until he received help. So that plan backfired. I’m pissed. I let him have it again. I screamed until I couldn’t anymore. I just want to understand why he does the things he does. Just give me answers. 

I had to get out of the house last night. I could not stand the sight of him. I told him so. He called and text. I didn’t answer back. He has said the same things before. Maybe another car ride tonight.

Didn’t go the way I envisioned…

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Didn’t go the way I envisioned…I called his leadership. No answer. I text and all they said was I’ll talk to him. I told my husband to leave the house at 3am Monday morning. He came home yesterday after 1pm. I asked him what happened at work. nothing happened. Nobody said a word too him. I don’t know what to do now. Today I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn’t get it.

Decision time…

I told him to leave. Found more crap. He will not change. I need to take care of me and my kids. Will life be hard? Yes, but I can do it. Hopefully. Please wish me luck, i have no support. In a few hours I am going to his command and telling them I am done and I want to leave ASAP. This environment is too toxic. 

Emotionally drained…

Craigslist, backpages, dating sites, sexting, online porn, the list seems endless. And still im indecisive on what to do. Five kids later, he doesnt care, doesnt get it, and is not willing to fix our marriage or family. He says I just need to get over it.

He says he doesn’t want a divorce, but he is tired of hearing about this shit everyday. I didn’t mess up, he did. When times got tough, I wasn’t spreading my legs for other men to feel better about myself.

Whats wrong with you husband? Why did/do you cheat? And why did you think it was okay? How can you hurt me over and over? Why are you not sorry? I gave you my everything.

I hate who you became. I hate the skanks you were with. I hate this whole mess you created. You are not the man I married. I am so dissappointed in you. You are loosing the little love that I have left for you.

My ring and a few other thoughts…

Today I put my ring back on. Only because the ring I put in its place went missing. My ring doesn’t have to same meaning as it did the day we got married. Now it means broken vows, betrayal, and heartache. I am sad about this.

He expects me to forget everything and he goes about like nothing ever happened. He wants to stay married, but not do any type of counseling.

Since we are a military family, we will be moving this year. I don’t know yet what I am going to do. Everything is confusing and emotional.

Next month is our 11th anniversary. Last year we were supposed to renew our vows, but didn’t. I don’t know how to feel about this year.

*edit…I am not going to bring up our anniversary And I couldn’t keep my ring on. I found the replacememt ring. He doesn’t even say anything about that. He still wears his ring. I just wonder if he wore it while cheating. Then again, what does it matter?