Tag Archives: anger

Still here…

I’m still here. Taking it one day at a time. Trying to deal with this life I did not ask for. Its been a hell of a year. One that needs to end asap. Actually its been a three year roller coaster.

The move to Hawaii was supposed to be our start over. Work on being a better couple and family. We added two babies to our family. Both pregnancies being difficult.

I always believed in the fairytale of a happy marriage and living happily ever after. I knew he would be my husband the moment I saw him. All those years ago, I still remember the feeling. I guess that is what I am hanging on to.

Over the years, he changed so much. After his deployments to Iraq (twice) and Afghanistan, he became even more broken. He recently told me about an incident involving a relative when he was younger. I was so sad and angry to find out what happened. No child should be hurt by monsters. He has carried this secret all those years. He only told me because I was trying to leave him. Knowing this makes it even harder to leave.

I know I changed over the years, I’m broken, I was molested and raped but I didn’t use that as an excuse to act out sexually. Instead, I don’t trust anybody. I am a private person. I don’t have many friends.

I am extremely protective of my children. I talk to them about the dangers they face in today’s tech world. I am so scared for them to grow up. We talk a lot, hopefully it sinks in. The issues with their dad have been somewhat hidden until these last couple of months. They know whats going on and I know its confusing for them.

I just want my family together and happy. Time is ticking and my husband doesn’t realize he is running out of time.

I don’t fight fair?!

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I can’t just up and leave. I’m on an island and the kids have their schools, they are doing well. I wanted him out of the house. I thought his leadership would keep him away, I told them I didn’t want him home until he received help. So that plan backfired. I’m pissed. I let him have it again. I screamed until I couldn’t anymore. I just want to understand why he does the things he does. Just give me answers. 

I had to get out of the house last night. I could not stand the sight of him. I told him so. He called and text. I didn’t answer back. He has said the same things before. Maybe another car ride tonight.

Didn’t go the way I envisioned…

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Didn’t go the way I envisioned…I called his leadership. No answer. I text and all they said was I’ll talk to him. I told my husband to leave the house at 3am Monday morning. He came home yesterday after 1pm. I asked him what happened at work. nothing happened. Nobody said a word too him. I don’t know what to do now. Today I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn’t get it.

Decision time…

I told him to leave. Found more crap. He will not change. I need to take care of me and my kids. Will life be hard? Yes, but I can do it. Hopefully. Please wish me luck, i have no support. In a few hours I am going to his command and telling them I am done and I want to leave ASAP. This environment is too toxic. 

Gonna be a long night…

He is working a 24 hour shift today. Last minute scheduling at work, or so he says. I hate these kinds of days. He texts people all day long and has access to the staff duty vehicle all night. He said he isn’t doing anything but working, and I can go there anytime to check on him.

I looked at the phone records again tonight, one of the hookers text him twice in the last few days and he didn’t tell me. He didn’t text back, but how do I know he didn’t use another phone or email her from work? He doesn’t get it. He expects me to just trust him. He should have told me about the texts.

I don’t even know when he began messing around. Perhaps maybe that is why I can’t forgive him. He will not be honest with me when I ask for details. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by telling me the details. I just want to know why he was unfaithful in the first place. Why couldn’t he come to me and tell me he was unhappy or whatever excuse he had? I ask him and he doesn’t give me anything.

My emotions are everywhere. I get angry then I am lonely and sad. I miss those moments when we were in bed. His arms around me. I don’t know if I will ever get that. Now I tense up anytime he gets too close. I imagine him with the filth. I seen their faces on craigslist, backpages, escorts ads after googling their phone numbers. I don’t know if I will ever heal from this nightmare. Were those nights of cuddling real? Were any of our happy moments real? Or were they a cover for him cheating? I will never know.

I want to heal and feel less pain and heartache, but how can I do that when I am so angry with him and the whole world? It is going to be a crappy night. I will just focus on being with my kids and try to get some much needed sleep.

Cannot forgive

Forgiveness is difficult for me. So many times I have been hurt, let down by those who have been closest to me. Right now I do hate my husband, he is undeserving of my love. I can’t forgive him, everytime I try to forget the texts and the lies, everything comes back to me and I am angry all over again. My husband just goes about his life as if he never cheated or lied. I don’t understand how he became this fucked up person. 

One day at a time…

This morning when he woke he told me “thank you for everything,” meaning his birthday cake last night. See my kids kinda of know what is going on, but I try to hide a lot of the crap from them. They know that their dad goes to see other women or whatever they are. I told them that, but they don’t see the fighting. That happens after bedtime.

So it was his birthday yesterday and my daughter wanted to bake him a cake and give him presents. I didn’t want to do anything for him, but I held back and helped her. We even baked the kids’ and his favorite chicken dinner. I feel so gross when I do “nice” things for him. He doesn’t think of me when he is out messing around. Yet, I put the smile on my face for my kids and carry on. It is so hard.

After the little party, and after everybody went to bed, I spent most of the late night hours crying. I also group texted all the bitches that he supposedly was with to thank them all for their part in ruining my marriage. My husband knows how I feel about him, I only remind him everyday how he disgusts me. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that, but oh well. I want him to feel like crap too. Anyway, none of those bitches texted me back, so I know they are cowards. Seriously, if I ever met any of them face to face I would show them exactly how I feel.

As I cried in anger, I realized that I am beginning to not care for him the ways I used too. I don’t ever tell him I love him anymore. I told him why before. Those words are very difficult for me to say to the people who hurt me. I can’t even tell my parents or sisters. I can, however, tell my kids. I make sure to tell them everyday how much I love them. As for myself, I do not love me. I am disappointed in myself that I allow my husband to hurt me over and over again.

He tells me that I am so negative all the time. I guess I am, but the crap he has done to me, and that fact that I have nobody, except my kids, life is hard. I have no friends, family, or anybody to talk to. That is one of the reasons for creating this blog. I can get my feelings out.

This morning as I dropped him off at work, he told me he was tired of fighting with me. I could hear in his voice that meant it, but then again he can lie. I just said I was tired too. We parted ways and he told me he loved me. I didn’t say anything back to him.

My life is so confusing right now. My heart is broken. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am impatiently waiting for this pregnancy to be over. A few more weeks to go. I don’t even know if I want my husband by my side during the delivery. So much to think about and so much stress. One day at a time…