Emotionally drained…

Craigslist, backpages, dating sites, sexting, online porn, the list seems endless. And still im indecisive on what to do. Five kids later, he doesnt care, doesnt get it, and is not willing to fix our marriage or family. He says I just need to get over it.

He says he doesn’t want a divorce, but he is tired of hearing about this shit everyday. I didn’t mess up, he did. When times got tough, I wasn’t spreading my legs for other men to feel better about myself.

Whats wrong with you husband? Why did/do you cheat? And why did you think it was okay? How can you hurt me over and over? Why are you not sorry? I gave you my everything.

I hate who you became. I hate the skanks you were with. I hate this whole mess you created. You are not the man I married. I am so dissappointed in you. You are loosing the little love that I have left for you.

Can’t sleep…

I’m the only one awake tonight wondering why I am still here. I look over at him and I get disgusted and then very sad. Who is this stranger in my bed? Where did my husband go?

Will my heart ever heal? I can’t forget what he has done. I can’t forgive him. I can’t forgive myself for being so weak.

Please God, what is your plan? I’m having the hardest time on this path.

My ring and a few other thoughts…

Today I put my ring back on. Only because the ring I put in its place went missing. My ring doesn’t have to same meaning as it did the day we got married. Now it means broken vows, betrayal, and heartache. I am sad about this.

He expects me to forget everything and he goes about like nothing ever happened. He wants to stay married, but not do any type of counseling.

Since we are a military family, we will be moving this year. I don’t know yet what I am going to do. Everything is confusing and emotional.

Next month is our 11th anniversary. Last year we were supposed to renew our vows, but didn’t. I don’t know how to feel about this year.

*edit…I am not going to bring up our anniversary And I couldn’t keep my ring on. I found the replacememt ring. He doesn’t even say anything about that. He still wears his ring. I just wonder if he wore it while cheating. Then again, what does it matter?

 

When is enough, enough?

Husband has been in a pissy mood the past few weeks. Getting mad at everybody for any little thing. The kids and I are stressed out. Im tired.

I had the baby three weeks ago. Inconvenient for him because he was working long days and I started having contractions when he was already in bed for the night. Long story short, I end up having the baby alone. He fell asleep in the car (so he says) when he left the delivery room to get the charger for his iPhone. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because I did end up alone.

I labored alone and had the baby alone in a room full of nurses and doctors. When he did finally show up, I couldn’t look at him, I was disgusted. Few days later I told him how I felt about him not being there for me and his answer was “…thats what the medics are for.” This just confirms my feelings about him. He is losing his family and he doesn’t care.

I hate the situation the kids and I are in. I hate my husband for being selfish. I really need to focus and figure out if fighting for my family is worth it. I am beginning to think the kids and I can have a better life without him.

Our family has been through enough. I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. Why doesn’t my husband want the same things? How can he throw us away like garbage?

Feeling sad today…

Today I am sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t wake up, and realize the problems he created. I know I am far from the perfect wife, but I remained faithful and honored my vows and commitment to him.

I know I said for better, for worse, but the worst is killing me inside. I gave this man everything. I never thought he would take my heart and shred it to pieces. 

My soul is damaged. I’m torn over what to do. I feel so alone. The aching pain is a constant reminder of what he has done. I am losing my faith. I want this nightmare to end. 

Questions I ask myself…

Questions I ask myself…

Why am I torturing myself thinking about what he is doing (or who he is doing)? If he really loved me or respected me, he wouldn’t have cheated.

How come I had kids with this guy? Whats even more heartbreaking is that my kids try so hard to get his attention. They want to be loved by him. Just like I do too, I guess.

How could he live a double life? And for so long? He is not my friend, he probably never was. All those years of “knowing” him. Is everything a lie? How far back does it go? Will I ever know? He will not tell me. Would it even matter if he did?

How can he act as if what he did is no big deal? How does he live with his decisions? Does he even feel guilt? Remorse? Anything?

How can he be so selfish?

Why am I allowing myself to miserable? Why am I holding on? Will he ever wake up? Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?

Calm before the storm…

Its been really weird lately. He has been nice, trying to help more. I’m 36 weeks pregnant and emotional still. I have my moments where I still tell him how I feel about everything. He is still in denial that he ever “messed around.”

I still wonder what he does all day at “work.” He says he hasn’t been texting or emailing. I really don’t believe him. Something is up. Its just a matter of time…the calm before the storm?