I am broken…

I am broken…

I let my husband treat me like shit.

I stay in our crappy marriage hoping he wakes up and we can live happily ever after. 

I beg and plead him to stay faithful. I don’t understand why he had to cheat so many times or pay for sex, or make profiles on dating sites.

I survived the physical abuse mostly during times when he was drunk (choking, punching, pushing).

I have survived emotional abuse (criticism, threatening, name-calling, denying, withholding, minimizing)

I try to own my part in this mess. I know I am responsible for 50% of the relationship, but he should be 100% responsible for his actions. Instead, he makes excuses, blames me, or denies anything.

He has issues that stem from childhood. His mother gave him to his grandma who kept a dirty house and didn’t feed him. His father was abusive to his mother until she left him. His father also threw him and his brother (only toddlers at the time) onto a couple who were having sex at a party in the fathers house. He had to grow up and learn to care for himself. He did (maybe still does) drugs. He seen the gruesomeness of combat. He doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him.

I have issues too. I was molested by a relative who is now dead, but the only person who knows is my husband. I was raped (this my husband does not know about, I can’t tell him without fear he would turn it into that it was my fault). My husband is the only person I have been with sexually.

My dad whipped me with a belt, kicked me for being late, yelled at me, all for minor things. I hate him. I was a good kid, always had good grades. I even had an academic scholarship to go to college.

I made mistakes, but nothing like my sisters who drank in high school. My mom denies it was ever bad. I remember different.

I suffer from anxiety, I am always tense. It is hard to put on a smile and pretend everything is okay, so the kids can be kids. My kids are my world.

Life is hard when my selfish husband only thinks of himself. I just don’t understand how he can go to work and be this awesome guy I hear about and home life is not even close to that.

I am fed up, yet sad that he will not help our family. I have tries numerous times through counseling, reaching out to top therapists (who its all about being paid), using Army counselors, trying to talk to my husband chain of command, the unit chaplain, and nothing is working.

I have thought of suicide numerous times. I am at the end of my rope.

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5 thoughts on “I am broken…

  1. Pingback: The Excuses Of Not Talking About Abuse…..BECAUSE PART TWO | WELL CALL ME CRAZY

  2. militarydeservesbetter

    I hear you! We are all broken! I am as broken as ever today and struggling myself with a lot of the same stuff.

    I know that it sounds trite. I know that it is so very tempting to give up. To escape the darkness. To latch onto any possible way of the many that leads is to believe the grass is greener on the other side. Whether that other side is divorce, suicide, more brokenness, etc. it doesn’t work though. It may work for a season.

    We are so caught up in “our story”. We are so caught up in our selves. It is so easy to do, and the world literally tells us to do it. It tells us to do it for our protection, for our ego, for our sanity, for everything that is worldly. Find yourself a really great church. Get lost in prayer. Get lost in the Bible. Open it up to random pages when you don’t know what to read. Pray when you don’t think God is listening. Most of all, listen to Him. He is talking to you. He is telling you something. That IS why he blesses us with struggles. It’s not about our story, it’s about His. This COULD be a catalyst in your life. This COULD be the catalyst in your children’s lives. This COULD be the opportunity for Christ’s love and grace to show through you in a way that is so very powerful it could only be Him. That may sound crazy. Keep searching and you MIGHT see it though too. It MIGHT be the thing that keeps you fighting. That keeps you searching. It won’t be a “fix”. It does offer hope though. No matter how broken.

    Keep your head up! You are worthy! You are loved and you are valued!

    Reply
  3. Samantha Baker

    You are caught up in the cycle of abuse sweetie. You can’t change your husband. You can’t hope one day he will just wake up. He refuses to seek help, there is no waking up. I fear for you a lot. I hope one day you will be strong enough to say you’re done, take your babies and leave, because they witness the abuse too. And hopefully they will not repeat the cycle.

    Reply
  4. militarydeservesbetter

    I feel like I should add, I am not saying you should stay or go. I honestly think that is irrelevant. Christ won’t fix the situation, either way. My wife left today. For the umpteenth time. I have not been a perfect husband by any means and am still not. I have thought about leaving quite a few times, but never have. She will probably come back anywhere between 1-30 days. She has most certainly justified her leaving. Just as I could have done a million times. I am very glad that I haven’t. There is nothing in the bible that talks about the believer leaving. Even in the case of adultery, the New Testament counters the old laws, with the new law. That doesn’t mean there are not circumstances that warrant leaving. Those circumstances are between that individual and God though. Nobody else.

    Reply

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