Questions I ask myself…

Questions I ask myself…

Why am I torturing myself thinking about what he is doing (or who he is doing)? If he really loved me or respected me, he wouldn’t have cheated.

How come I had kids with this guy? Whats even more heartbreaking is that my kids try so hard to get his attention. They want to be loved by him. Just like I do too, I guess.

How could he live a double life? And for so long? He is not my friend, he probably never was. All those years of “knowing” him. Is everything a lie? How far back does it go? Will I ever know? He will not tell me. Would it even matter if he did?

How can he act as if what he did is no big deal? How does he live with his decisions? Does he even feel guilt? Remorse? Anything?

How can he be so selfish?

Why am I allowing myself to miserable? Why am I holding on? Will he ever wake up? Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?


3 thoughts on “Questions I ask myself…

  1. fenix

    your pain is tangible…they saying is trite but time does heal all wounds and one day you will be able to look back at this time and not feel the same

  2. militarydeservesbetter

    I feel your pain… chaotic thoughts, frustrations, anger, disgust, complacency… ughh. No doubt you deserve better. Wish there was an easy solution. Feels like all of the above will never end. Feels like it is all unraveling me, ironically. Feels like… well shit. Leave or don’t? Does it pay to stay? Will it help to go? What are the impacts on family? What matters more, showing them that you value family and self comes last, or showing them not to put up with it?

    What do I do? Check out “Tough Love” by Dobson – a decent, quick and easy read. I think it’s the same principle of the 180 thing another posted. It’s Christian based, and puts a nice perspective on everything. Bottom line, I’m still here because MY commitment was not based on theirs. I choose not to put stipulations on MY commitment. I choose not to let my spouses actions, determine mine. I am here to offer stability to MY kids. That’s what kept me here for the last year. It waivers though, so who knows what I’ll say next week. 🙂

    What I am told… and somewhat realize but can never 100%. Give it up to God. Sounds cliche. Sounds like someone that is grasping onto anything to keep it together….

    What I get, is the power that is in that. Christ doesn’t want you to care about “what you deserve” in your spouse. Christ wants you to be free from their oppression. Free from their messed up ways. Free from their dysfunction. Christ wants you to find in Him, everything that you want to find in your spouse. Unconditional love. You can’t count on anyone in this messed up world.

    Now if I could only actually put it into mental action…. all the time. Hoping and praying for you.


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