Today I am sad. Sad that my husband doesn’t wake up, and realize the problems he created. I know I am far from the perfect wife, but I remained faithful and honored my vows and commitment to him.
I know I said for better, for worse, but the worst is killing me inside. I gave this man everything. I never thought he would take my heart and shred it to pieces.
My soul is damaged. I’m torn over what to do. I feel so alone. The aching pain is a constant reminder of what he has done. I am losing my faith. I want this nightmare to end.
Questions I ask myself…
Why am I torturing myself thinking about what he is doing (or who he is doing)? If he really loved me or respected me, he wouldn’t have cheated.
How come I had kids with this guy? Whats even more heartbreaking is that my kids try so hard to get his attention. They want to be loved by him. Just like I do too, I guess.
How could he live a double life? And for so long? He is not my friend, he probably never was. All those years of “knowing” him. Is everything a lie? How far back does it go? Will I ever know? He will not tell me. Would it even matter if he did?
How can he act as if what he did is no big deal? How does he live with his decisions? Does he even feel guilt? Remorse? Anything?
How can he be so selfish?
Why am I allowing myself to miserable? Why am I holding on? Will he ever wake up? Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?
Its been really weird lately. He has been nice, trying to help more. I’m 36 weeks pregnant and emotional still. I have my moments where I still tell him how I feel about everything. He is still in denial that he ever “messed around.”
I still wonder what he does all day at “work.” He says he hasn’t been texting or emailing. I really don’t believe him. Something is up. Its just a matter of time…the calm before the storm?