This morning when he woke he told me “thank you for everything,” meaning his birthday cake last night. See my kids kinda of know what is going on, but I try to hide a lot of the crap from them. They know that their dad goes to see other women or whatever they are. I told them that, but they don’t see the fighting. That happens after bedtime.
So it was his birthday yesterday and my daughter wanted to bake him a cake and give him presents. I didn’t want to do anything for him, but I held back and helped her. We even baked the kids’ and his favorite chicken dinner. I feel so gross when I do “nice” things for him. He doesn’t think of me when he is out messing around. Yet, I put the smile on my face for my kids and carry on. It is so hard.
After the little party, and after everybody went to bed, I spent most of the late night hours crying. I also group texted all the bitches that he supposedly was with to thank them all for their part in ruining my marriage. My husband knows how I feel about him, I only remind him everyday how he disgusts me. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that, but oh well. I want him to feel like crap too. Anyway, none of those bitches texted me back, so I know they are cowards. Seriously, if I ever met any of them face to face I would show them exactly how I feel.
As I cried in anger, I realized that I am beginning to not care for him the ways I used too. I don’t ever tell him I love him anymore. I told him why before. Those words are very difficult for me to say to the people who hurt me. I can’t even tell my parents or sisters. I can, however, tell my kids. I make sure to tell them everyday how much I love them. As for myself, I do not love me. I am disappointed in myself that I allow my husband to hurt me over and over again.
He tells me that I am so negative all the time. I guess I am, but the crap he has done to me, and that fact that I have nobody, except my kids, life is hard. I have no friends, family, or anybody to talk to. That is one of the reasons for creating this blog. I can get my feelings out.
This morning as I dropped him off at work, he told me he was tired of fighting with me. I could hear in his voice that meant it, but then again he can lie. I just said I was tired too. We parted ways and he told me he loved me. I didn’t say anything back to him.
My life is so confusing right now. My heart is broken. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am impatiently waiting for this pregnancy to be over. A few more weeks to go. I don’t even know if I want my husband by my side during the delivery. So much to think about and so much stress. One day at a time…