One day at a time…

This morning when he woke he told me “thank you for everything,” meaning his birthday cake last night. See my kids kinda of know what is going on, but I try to hide a lot of the crap from them. They know that their dad goes to see other women or whatever they are. I told them that, but they don’t see the fighting. That happens after bedtime.

So it was his birthday yesterday and my daughter wanted to bake him a cake and give him presents. I didn’t want to do anything for him, but I held back and helped her. We even baked the kids’ and his favorite chicken dinner. I feel so gross when I do “nice” things for him. He doesn’t think of me when he is out messing around. Yet, I put the smile on my face for my kids and carry on. It is so hard.

After the little party, and after everybody went to bed, I spent most of the late night hours crying. I also group texted all the bitches that he supposedly was with to thank them all for their part in ruining my marriage. My husband knows how I feel about him, I only remind him everyday how he disgusts me. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that, but oh well. I want him to feel like crap too. Anyway, none of those bitches texted me back, so I know they are cowards. Seriously, if I ever met any of them face to face I would show them exactly how I feel.

As I cried in anger, I realized that I am beginning to not care for him the ways I used too. I don’t ever tell him I love him anymore. I told him why before. Those words are very difficult for me to say to the people who hurt me. I can’t even tell my parents or sisters. I can, however, tell my kids. I make sure to tell them everyday how much I love them. As for myself, I do not love me. I am disappointed in myself that I allow my husband to hurt me over and over again.

He tells me that I am so negative all the time. I guess I am, but the crap he has done to me, and that fact that I have nobody, except my kids, life is hard. I have no friends, family, or anybody to talk to. That is one of the reasons for creating this blog. I can get my feelings out.

This morning as I dropped him off at work, he told me he was tired of fighting with me. I could hear in his voice that meant it, but then again he can lie. I just said I was tired too. We parted ways and he told me he loved me. I didn’t say anything back to him.

My life is so confusing right now. My heart is broken. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am impatiently waiting for this pregnancy to be over. A few more weeks to go. I don’t even know if I want my husband by my side during the delivery. So much to think about and so much stress. One day at a time…

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2 thoughts on “One day at a time…

  1. Jolene

    at the age of 22 I left my husband, I had two little girls at the time and was pregnant with our son. I left him because i was tired of his wondering eye, lies and of course the cheating. I was tired of waking up every morning feeling like my soul had died…….every morning I had to drive him on base to work(he was in the navy) and say good bye and just know deep inside that he was going to meet one of his many hook-ups during his day on base…..we tried counseling but it takes two to make it work and he obviously didn’t want it to. I knew what I needed to do and knew things would be tough……but leaving him at that young age taught me strength…..it was scary but it was the best choice I ever made. My kids didn’t need to see that HIS behavior was justified by their mother and I had to show them that I respected myself and them to make the choice that I did.

    Reply

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