Monthly Archives: June 2013

Gonna be a long night…

He is working a 24 hour shift today. Last minute scheduling at work, or so he says. I hate these kinds of days. He texts people all day long and has access to the staff duty vehicle all night. He said he isn’t doing anything but working, and I can go there anytime to check on him.

I looked at the phone records again tonight, one of the hookers text him twice in the last few days and he didn’t tell me. He didn’t text back, but how do I know he didn’t use another phone or email her from work? He doesn’t get it. He expects me to just trust him. He should have told me about the texts.

I don’t even know when he began messing around. Perhaps maybe that is why I can’t forgive him. He will not be honest with me when I ask for details. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by telling me the details. I just want to know why he was unfaithful in the first place. Why couldn’t he come to me and tell me he was unhappy or whatever excuse he had? I ask him and he doesn’t give me anything.

My emotions are everywhere. I get angry then I am lonely and sad. I miss those moments when we were in bed. His arms around me. I don’t know if I will ever get that. Now I tense up anytime he gets too close. I imagine him with the filth. I seen their faces on craigslist, backpages, escorts ads after googling their phone numbers. I don’t know if I will ever heal from this nightmare. Were those nights of cuddling real? Were any of our happy moments real? Or were they a cover for him cheating? I will never know.

I want to heal and feel less pain and heartache, but how can I do that when I am so angry with him and the whole world? It is going to be a crappy night. I will just focus on being with my kids and try to get some much needed sleep.

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Cannot forgive

Forgiveness is difficult for me. So many times I have been hurt, let down by those who have been closest to me. Right now I do hate my husband, he is undeserving of my love. I can’t forgive him, everytime I try to forget the texts and the lies, everything comes back to me and I am angry all over again. My husband just goes about his life as if he never cheated or lied. I don’t understand how he became this fucked up person. 

One day at a time…

This morning when he woke he told me “thank you for everything,” meaning his birthday cake last night. See my kids kinda of know what is going on, but I try to hide a lot of the crap from them. They know that their dad goes to see other women or whatever they are. I told them that, but they don’t see the fighting. That happens after bedtime.

So it was his birthday yesterday and my daughter wanted to bake him a cake and give him presents. I didn’t want to do anything for him, but I held back and helped her. We even baked the kids’ and his favorite chicken dinner. I feel so gross when I do “nice” things for him. He doesn’t think of me when he is out messing around. Yet, I put the smile on my face for my kids and carry on. It is so hard.

After the little party, and after everybody went to bed, I spent most of the late night hours crying. I also group texted all the bitches that he supposedly was with to thank them all for their part in ruining my marriage. My husband knows how I feel about him, I only remind him everyday how he disgusts me. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t do that, but oh well. I want him to feel like crap too. Anyway, none of those bitches texted me back, so I know they are cowards. Seriously, if I ever met any of them face to face I would show them exactly how I feel.

As I cried in anger, I realized that I am beginning to not care for him the ways I used too. I don’t ever tell him I love him anymore. I told him why before. Those words are very difficult for me to say to the people who hurt me. I can’t even tell my parents or sisters. I can, however, tell my kids. I make sure to tell them everyday how much I love them. As for myself, I do not love me. I am disappointed in myself that I allow my husband to hurt me over and over again.

He tells me that I am so negative all the time. I guess I am, but the crap he has done to me, and that fact that I have nobody, except my kids, life is hard. I have no friends, family, or anybody to talk to. That is one of the reasons for creating this blog. I can get my feelings out.

This morning as I dropped him off at work, he told me he was tired of fighting with me. I could hear in his voice that meant it, but then again he can lie. I just said I was tired too. We parted ways and he told me he loved me. I didn’t say anything back to him.

My life is so confusing right now. My heart is broken. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am impatiently waiting for this pregnancy to be over. A few more weeks to go. I don’t even know if I want my husband by my side during the delivery. So much to think about and so much stress. One day at a time…

More lies…

He has another credit card which is supposed to be used for work. Guess what he does? Gets cash out to pay for sex and blow jobs! Really like his phone, bank, credit card statements lie!

He still denies it all! “i have never met anybody, i just texted!” LIAR…

I HATE HIM. Why am I so fucking stupid? Pathetic! And i continued to have kids with him! I sit here crying. It hurts so bad. He was supposed to be my friend, my husband. What the hell?

And its his birthday today.

So confused, but calm for now…

We are not fighting, but I haven’t and will not forgive him. He says he will not do it again (heard that before) and I can check the phone bill, phone locator, bank accounts, etc. Well I checked and so far he has been good. He even leaves his wallet home in the mornings and only takes his ID to pt.

Even though he is doing this, I told him I do not trust him. I don’t know if I ever will. If he doesn’t want to get help for himself and for us together then I can’t forgive. He says all he has ever did was text (sext) people. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow for my pregnancy and will be requesting Std tests be done. I am afraid and confused, but I know it is something I have to do.

As of right now, I am calm and trying to think things through. I also cannot just up and move since I am a high risk pregnancy and going “home” to family is not an option. So as usual, I just have to suck it up and put on my smile in public and be strong for the kids.

Sh*t keeps getting better and better…

Not only does my stupid husband look for filth on back pages and craiglists, he specifically looks for ts girl escorts/prostitutes/hookers. How do I deal with this? I text or call the numbers I find on the phone bill and they all say he paid me, he called me. Blah blah blah. Ok, I get that, but have some respect for wives and kids. They know he is married. My husband is f*cked up!

My emotions are everywhere. Perhaps it’s the pregnancy. I have so much built up anger waiting to be released. My dumbf*ck husband, why?! What is wrong with you? How do you look in the mirror and justify this shit? How do you go to sleep at night, and next to me, like it is nothing? How are you not sorry? How do you go about each day lying to yourself?

He says he will stop, he does for a while then he is at it again. I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling. We went for a few non helpful sessions. He says we don’t need it, we can help ourselves. Well obviously, right?!

He is military, so he has to uphold his image. He does a good job at that. I am often told by his leadership how “high speed” he is. Um, ok. For his family he is a shitbag. If they only knew. He texts and calls the filth during work hours. Today I hate him. Tomorrow? I don’t know.

Update: I drop him off at work after breakfast and he is mad that he can’t take one of our vehicles. I don’t trust him to use vehicles that we put our kids in. I don’t want hooker germs in the cars! He doesn’t get it.

Then he acts like he doesn’t know what types of prostitutes he is contacting. He doesn’t want me texting him, yet it is ok for him to send text after text to these people. He tells me “how can I get work done with your half page texts.” How can he get work done when all he does is text trash?! And one claims to be 19 years old, I doubt he/she (idk what they are) is.

I am livid! The ass says in text to me that he is tired of hearing this shit from me! He messed up, not me! He is f*cking around, not me! He is back and forth, texts me that he is sorry (texts not verbally) and that he is an idiot.

I am fed up. Do I inform his chain of command and risk my kids future or do I “deal with it?” My life is very depressing. He refuses counseling, “everything will be fine.” He says we don’t need it.

I have a few more weeks in this high-risk pregnancy (very long story), the stress is too much!  

I dedicated my life to him and our kids…

He made a promise to me on our wedding day to love me. We were happy. He committed to me and I to him. How, after all these years, are we in this mess? How is it that he can be selfish and not put his family first. Put me first? I am sad, angry, hurt, confused, resentful, humiliated, and lost. Our life is not supposed to be like this. Where did we go wrong? When is he going to wake up? Will he ever realize the damage he is doing?