Happy, but also a sad memory…

After watching the military segment on GMA today, I recalled my husband’s first homecoming. The anticipation of him returning, the emails and calls of how he missed the kids and I. The moment we seen him march into the gym with the other soldiers. The pride I felt for my hero, my heart was complete again. He pulled me in close,  held me tightly, and told me he loved me. Little did I know, the secrets he was hiding.


Still here…

I’m still here. Taking it one day at a time. Trying to deal with this life I did not ask for. Its been a hell of a year. One that needs to end asap. Actually its been a three year roller coaster.

The move to Hawaii was supposed to be our start over. Work on being a better couple and family. We added two babies to our family. Both pregnancies being difficult.

I always believed in the fairytale of a happy marriage and living happily ever after. I knew he would be my husband the moment I saw him. All those years ago, I still remember the feeling. I guess that is what I am hanging on to.

Over the years, he changed so much. After his deployments to Iraq (twice) and Afghanistan, he became even more broken. He recently told me about an incident involving a relative when he was younger. I was so sad and angry to find out what happened. No child should be hurt by monsters. He has carried this secret all those years. He only told me because I was trying to leave him. Knowing this makes it even harder to leave.

I know I changed over the years, I’m broken, I was molested and raped but I didn’t use that as an excuse to act out sexually. Instead, I don’t trust anybody. I am a private person. I don’t have many friends.

I am extremely protective of my children. I talk to them about the dangers they face in today’s tech world. I am so scared for them to grow up. We talk a lot, hopefully it sinks in. The issues with their dad have been somewhat hidden until these last couple of months. They know whats going on and I know its confusing for them.

I just want my family together and happy. Time is ticking and my husband doesn’t realize he is running out of time.

I don’t fight fair?!


I can’t just up and leave. I’m on an island and the kids have their schools, they are doing well. I wanted him out of the house. I thought his leadership would keep him away, I told them I didn’t want him home until he received help. So that plan backfired. I’m pissed. I let him have it again. I screamed until I couldn’t anymore. I just want to understand why he does the things he does. Just give me answers. 

I had to get out of the house last night. I could not stand the sight of him. I told him so. He called and text. I didn’t answer back. He has said the same things before. Maybe another car ride tonight.

Didn’t go the way I envisioned…


Didn’t go the way I envisioned…I called his leadership. No answer. I text and all they said was I’ll talk to him. I told my husband to leave the house at 3am Monday morning. He came home yesterday after 1pm. I asked him what happened at work. nothing happened. Nobody said a word too him. I don’t know what to do now. Today I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn’t get it.

Decision time…

I told him to leave. Found more crap. He will not change. I need to take care of me and my kids. Will life be hard? Yes, but I can do it. Hopefully. Please wish me luck, i have no support. In a few hours I am going to his command and telling them I am done and I want to leave ASAP. This environment is too toxic. 

I am broken…

I am broken…

I let my husband treat me like shit.

I stay in our crappy marriage hoping he wakes up and we can live happily ever after. 

I beg and plead him to stay faithful. I don’t understand why he had to cheat so many times or pay for sex, or make profiles on dating sites.

I survived the physical abuse mostly during times when he was drunk (choking, punching, pushing).

I have survived emotional abuse (criticism, threatening, name-calling, denying, withholding, minimizing)

I try to own my part in this mess. I know I am responsible for 50% of the relationship, but he should be 100% responsible for his actions. Instead, he makes excuses, blames me, or denies anything.

He has issues that stem from childhood. His mother gave him to his grandma who kept a dirty house and didn’t feed him. His father was abusive to his mother until she left him. His father also threw him and his brother (only toddlers at the time) onto a couple who were having sex at a party in the fathers house. He had to grow up and learn to care for himself. He did (maybe still does) drugs. He seen the gruesomeness of combat. He doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him.

I have issues too. I was molested by a relative who is now dead, but the only person who knows is my husband. I was raped (this my husband does not know about, I can’t tell him without fear he would turn it into that it was my fault). My husband is the only person I have been with sexually.

My dad whipped me with a belt, kicked me for being late, yelled at me, all for minor things. I hate him. I was a good kid, always had good grades. I even had an academic scholarship to go to college.

I made mistakes, but nothing like my sisters who drank in high school. My mom denies it was ever bad. I remember different.

I suffer from anxiety, I am always tense. It is hard to put on a smile and pretend everything is okay, so the kids can be kids. My kids are my world.

Life is hard when my selfish husband only thinks of himself. I just don’t understand how he can go to work and be this awesome guy I hear about and home life is not even close to that.

I am fed up, yet sad that he will not help our family. I have tries numerous times through counseling, reaching out to top therapists (who its all about being paid), using Army counselors, trying to talk to my husband chain of command, the unit chaplain, and nothing is working.

I have thought of suicide numerous times. I am at the end of my rope.